Yes, I know you are scared. It’s ok. But look back. There is a lifetime of being afraid. It has kept you safe, buy you have not experienced all that you’ve wanted. You have missed out. Plain & simple.
I can’t always be in the place of giving. I need to take, take time
I need help
I need a break
I need love
I need courage
I can’t always give
I need attention. I need to give myself attention. I hug myself with attention.
Hi.
You have beautiful ideas. You make such good art. You are capable. Feel into your energy. Keep having fun. Yes, you can do this. It’s going to be more amazing than you ever thought.
So much death. Not even just physical death, but emotional death, relationship death. Death of dreams. Dreams that will never be. Hope Death. I hoped it would go a certain way. And it didn’t. So, I walk around the (city) asking why; grieving. Feeling sorry for myself. Looking for a resolution, like it’s written on paper, crumpled up and tossed in a dirty street corner. I’ll look and then I’ll find it. I’ll stoop down to pick it up, unwrinkle it and wish beyond the earth it will have an answer. a clue. I can’t find the answer beyond my heart and head. Sometimes I want to control everything. And I can’t. So, I keep walking and searching and sighing.
I tried Resolutions. They don’t work for me. I felt like a failure because of that for a long time. Then I gave myself a break and decided I can change and do new things and create new habits any day of the year. It is about Intention for me. That felt a whole lot better.
This year I was inspired by someone else’s idea to come up with a theme for the year. I sat quietly for a bit and this is what came to me:
Quiet Persistence. Could become a seasonal theme…
I invite you over to my Patreon page so you can join me in creating a community around de-stigmatizing mental health, understanding my white privilege, and deconstructing colonialism and sharing my artistic process around it. 2020 had me delving deep into my own self and as scary as it was, I discovered gems I couldn’t have mined any other way. It is sacred work and vulnerable work. I have public and Patron only content. Be well, take care of yourself, and know you are Loved Beyond Measure. Happy New Year. -Ang xo
VPH Design Part Four: My Surface Pattern Design Guide.
Session two was great. I got valuable feedback and started sketching more designs of cupcakes, ice cream, and adding embellishments to come up with a collection. I referred to my mood board, but was frustrated with not being able to create easily. My direction was to loosen up and think differently.
Maybe this is a border or stripe?
I was on the verge of tears before our next appointment. I hadn’t made good progress, wasn’t having fun, and was feeling defeated. We decided the best thing to do was to postpone meeting until the next week to give myself a chance to process what was going on. I was feeling very blocked and ready to give up.
Working the initial design with cut outs and color. I didn’t get very far.
Then, I grabbed some paper and started painting with pastel and water. I didn’t think; I let myself select the color that I felt most drawn to in that moment and began. I started with a wall. Tall. Brown. Blocking me. Why are you so tall? What are you keeping me from seeing?
Note progression from 1 to 3. Made over several sessions and days.
The next piece of paper started with a pinky orange background and spikey knarly plant life. Poking me. Cutting me. Cutting me off. What are you guarding?
Note progression from 1 to 3. Made over several sessions and days.
In three separate sessions over that next week, I painted two different scenes. I decided to take photos to track the changes and see how they developed. I kept working them, adding color, scrubbing, and I started to see outdoor landscapes in them. Something occurred to me, when watercolor painting, I have always created ethereal, colorful backgrounds. Always. Sometimes I would add words, sometimes I would paint fantasy flowers and plants. But, I noticed I always, always, start with the sky. And sometimes that sky ends up being under the sea.
With my cut paper art, I make architecture; houses and buildings. Sometimes still existing, sometimes recreating demolished buildings from photographs. Now, with this new adventure in Surface Design, here I was trying to only paint. The wall I had put up between paint and paper mediums wasn’t going to stand anymore. I couldn’t keep them apart. I had to demolish this self imposed wall; I had to tear it down. Why did I think I couldn’t put cut paper on my paintings? I don’t know, but I cried. I cried like a little kid who has been told No over and over, but still really wanted the thing, or to do the thing and could not, or was not allowed to. I cried because I get to do this thing now, this thing of putting paint and cut paper together for my art. And I cried for the lost time. And then something new started to happen. I started to twirl my paper.
I joined Bonnie Christine’s Flourish community back in April, see my post here: and one of the ways she encourages us to flex our design muscles and implement what we are learning is to submit a design for each months’ challenge. May was my first submission. The prompt was to create a design inspired by someone in my life. Of course, I had a lot of ideas, but I had had a few conversations with my mom and we rehashed some situations in my childhood when she showed up like the Tiger Momma she is. Bullying, being sexually harassed in junior high. When I needed an adult to have my back, she was the one who did. Her heart is as big as the ocean for her family. For easier printing, I shrunk it down to heart-size.
Initial sketch on paper with colored pencil, left. Finished design after working on in Photoshop, right.
This design is available as a sticker now! Purchase it in my shop here. I’m offering free shipping!
Sticker design with purple background
It feels good to have an idea and follow through to its completion. It is very challenging to come up with a design every month, but I’m going to keep at it. xo
VPH Design Part Three: My Surface Pattern Design Guide.
I love Christmas. I love the lights and shiny ornaments when they hang on the tree. I love it so much that I have had a little pink Christmas tree in my studio forever. I keep it up all year and it has my favorite ornaments from Old Fashioned Christmas, I buy one every year at my favorite store, Drees, in Olympia. I have candy and ice cream ornaments, shiny pine cones, a rooster, a purse. And more. Yes, I posted this pic yet again. I love my little tree so much:
Little Pink Christmas tree in my window, up all year! 2020
As I worked with my coach, Jeanetta, (see my previous post here), she had me create Mood Boards. Before my first meeting with her, I again, invested in myself, and bought Photoshop. I know it fairly well, but it had been some years since I used it regularly. I highly recommend investing in yourself, too, and get the yearly subscription. Adobe Lightroom is fantastic. I did not buy Adobe Illustrator, but did use the trial version and I can see why people like it. Photoshop has mood boards, too, so I stayed with that.
First ever mood board, Sweets. 2020
Having never made a mood board before, I found it quite challenging. I learned a few things: I don’t need to be so literal with the inspiration. I actually added two of my paintings into the board, which I did not need to do, I can choose furniture, nature, or really anything that would give the “mood” of what I am going for, and next time, I will work on a story and pick descriptive words to go with the “mood”; like happy, playful, fun, cheery, etc. I was concentrating so hard on the actual making of the board, I got a bit lost. All in all, though, it was fun to make and I can’t wait to make another one. I’ll just keep learning!
Here are the four motifs/icons/paintings I made for my first design, all in watercolor, inspired by the ornaments on my little pink Christmas tree:
Ice cream. 2020Cupcake. 2020Swirl pop. Actual lollipop I can’t bring myself to eat. 2020No reference, Fantasy lollipop in red with hearts. 2020
I took pictures with my smart phone because I am currently without a scanner or printer. I played around with the icons in Photoshop; copying, rotating, etc. I couldn’t think of anything to do besides these tiles, which I thought were pretty cool:
Tiles of from my paintings in Photoshop 2020
I added hearts and stars. And cherries and then I didn’t know what else to do with them. I was ready for more help in our second session.
Jeanetta used the “share screen” option and I was able to watch her as she played around with the file in Photoshop. It was so cool! She suggesting “brightening up” the colors, as my photos were dark and what a difference that made. She duplicated, recolored, and turned and mirrored the icons into options I never thought of. It was pure play! Below is one orientation she came up with that I really like:
Screenshot of Jeanetta’s guidance, rearranging my motifs in Photoshop
After another tutorial and tip sharing, she sent me on my way to practice for another week. This got me thinking about cake toppers and fun things that could be added to desserts. Jeanetta suggested I start saving images for more moodboards in one of my online accounts that I won’t mention and I won’t use anymore. (that’s a whole other blog post). Here is one image I just love:
Credit to Wilton.com
So I sketched and played with colored pencils. I drew and drew and I still felt stuck and frustrated. What was I doing wrong? Why was this so hard?
Next post: I’ll share some of the sketches, ideas, and struggles of the process as I rework the Sweets motif.
2020 could very well be the year we finally decide that white supremacy and fascism get their asses kicked out of our country. This website is a safe space for Everyone, except Fascists. Love, support, and real talk is welcome here!
White people, use me as a resource. I have been actively working on deconstructing my colonial mind and understanding my white privilege for a long time. I’m not perfect at it, but I will be glad to have candid conversations with you. And, if you are genuine and authentic in your own learning, I will be kind and patient with you. No one learns if they feel attacked. <3
VPH Design Part Two: My Surface Pattern Design Guide.
Along with my retirement plan, I have been studying and following people on social media that encourage investment in one’s self. What does that mean? For me, it means put some money into your interests and self. So, I watched someone online for about six months and then, I contacted her before the end of the year. She coaches artists and she has done the surface design pattern gig for 20 years. We had a phone call and agreed we would work together. The money agreement was a lot to me, but I had saved up and decided I was worth spending that money on myself. I also know that I need to pay people and show that support if I in turn, would like support. So, finally I was going to get the help I could not find all those decades ago. Her name is Jeanetta Gonzales, of Nett Designs, https://www.jeanettagonzales.com/.
Jeanetta had me answer questions and send some images before our first meeting. We met four times with email check ins. I was processing pretty heavily, so I needed more time in between our meetings, which she was super gracious about. She gave me so much information and resources that I am still working through them. She was encouraging and gave me great feedback as I worked on my first surface design collection (which is still in process). She assured me there is room for me in the design world. And, one of her tidbits was to find my process. I learned two things about myself during this time: 1) I am talented enough to keep going and 2) I was so excited about beginning my journey I knew I was following my North Star!
The time and support I got from Jeanetta launched me on my surface design path! It was invaluable to me and I am still reaping her knowledge and sharing. I hope you will consider supporting yourself by finding someone that can help you on your path, too. You deserve it. XO
The inspiration for my first design collection. 2020
Next post: The icons I created for my first design assignment
VPH Design Part One: My Surface Pattern Design Guide.
Hey, #GenX. How’s 50 looking for ya? Hi, everyone else! I’m just getting my stride over here. Are you worrying about retirement, like me? Now, I know our pop, capitalist culture hates aging. As we enter our 50’s how are you feeling about that? I’m calling bullshit on feeling anything but glorious and empowered about it. We have never been smarter or more beautiful. Sure, there are body aches, menopause, gray hairs, and wrinkles, but, I love all of it. I love all my life wisdom. I love those I know who are aging with me. I love that you are not coloring your hair anymore. I love that there is a bit of a tummy appearing.
We are in the Age of #Corona. I’ve been in quarantine since early March. I have good and bad days. How are you doing? I feel like our government currently seems to hate us and I don’t have faith my pension and social security will be available to me. So, I’ve got a plan. A retirement plan. Let me tell you about it. First, some background:
Long, long ago in a city far, far away, I struggled in college with the course of study I “should” follow. I wanted to study art. My professor told me “Washes are your thing.” Black ink and water. Shadow and Light. At the time, I took it and put it in my heart. Then, I listened to well-meaning voices who told me I couldn’t make a living as an artist. Fear took hold. The ramifications of that time are still in my body and I, at 53 years old, am working to finally release them. I started to focus on Biology and I turned my back on visual art. I finished college and one of the first purchases my mother helped me buy was a set of #Pelikanwatercolors, markers, paper, and brushes. This was before my first job and I just needed these supplies to dream and practice with as I coped with transitioning from college to finding my way in the workplace. I was depressed and missing my friends so badly. The art supplies helped me so much during this time.
At the same time, I started a distant learning course for writing children’s literature. It was hard and I didn’t even try to make pictures to go with my writing at the time. Why? I was disassociated. Depressed. Still believing I couldn’t be successfully artistic. Sad. 🙁
With the compliment I got in college still hiding in my heart, I began to play and learned how to Watercolor. It is my first love. It can be tamed to a point, but has that exquisite, expressive quality. I love trying with it. What will happen if I…? I added too much water… Not enough? I haven’t stopped painting in between having gross jobs, moving cross country, making cards, working in theatre, and so many other things.
I found Sara Middas’ South of France book in the late 90’s and it lit me up! What a clever book. She lived in France for almost a year and just collected what she saw, what she ate, where she was and it is brilliant. This is the book that got me interested in surface pattern design. I want to make a book like hers, only, it will be about my neighborhood, what is around me. So, I started paying attention to where I was. Sketching, painting, note taking. That book idea is stuffed way in the back of my brain, dusty, forgotten. But I digress. I drew my first design idea, a mug and a plate with a blue pattern. (* I would insert it here, but I can’t find it…) I didn’t know what to do next. This was before the internet and I failed at finding resources or any kind of help at all. So, I gave up. On that. But, I kept painting. And dreaming.
Then three decades went by, like, how the hell did that happen? A marriage. A first home purchase. A divorce. A house lost. A new family. A second home purchase. Many jobs worked and in between, the surface design dream pops up now and then. And then, one day, I’m 50. 😳
I’m ignoring any voice that tells me no, or stop, or I’m too old. I’m not slowing down, I’m ramping up. I’m awesome. My life has given me experiences and knowledge that are valuable and I will be paid handsomely for being creative and ridiculously brilliant. My retirement plan is to remain artistic and earn with making and selling my art. Come on, my 50-somethings! Let’s manifest our dreams and lift each other up to create a beautiful, enjoyable next three decades. How is your self esteem? You deserve the best. What is your retirement plan?
Next post: I find someone to help me on my path.
Watercolor, inspired by the movie “Marie Antoinette” by Sofia Coppola. 2017
I ate the pickles you made today in your fascist kitchen, your fascist house. You might be a fascist if you think I don’t have a right to my own body. It’s none of your fucking business what I decide to put into it. You might be a fascist if you listen to pondets say I am citing a civil war because I have democratic ideals. You might be a fascist if you think what I believe is evil. Here’s what I believe: I believe I don’t have any right to try and change your mind. You are entitled to your beliefs, but please make sure you have facts and not just blah blah rhetoric to back you up.
I know what the church did to you. It made you believe you can judge people, that your way is the “right” way. Would Jesus let children be separated from their parents? Would he?
Would Jesus defend hate speech? Would he? Did he? Would he stand in front of a crowd of people and say things to make you hate others? You might be a fascist if think so. The double standard is right in our faces now. Girls have always had to worry about their bodily safety. Always. Now that your son has to worry about his own behaviour is actually a good thing. Maybe if he didn’t believe he’s entitled to take whatever he wants from a girl, he wouldn’t have to worry.
If you think you have more of a say over what I do with my body than I do, you might be a Fascist. If you think you are better than others, you might be a Fascist. If you are afraid of people who don’t look like you, you might be a Fascist.
