Red, ferocious anger blob blob blob. Too much going on. Too much to process. Dopamine addict. What’s next?
What’s next? New!! New!! Shock me!! Piss me off. Swim around scroll scroll scroll. Swipe. Like. Heart. Tweet. It NEVER ends. There is so much I’m angry about So. Much. So much that I can’t do anything about. So much that has nothing to do with me.
The Ocean of Occurrences is too vast to process. Too much water to swim through. Why do I dive in? I’m curious. I see Fish of Hatred. Eels of Judgment. Sharks of Crime dart around. Show me quick glimpses of things that happen. I don’t even need the full story. Then, I react. Then, I feel depleted. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? It feels like the world is going to hell in a handbasket and we are all going down with the ship.
the red blob devouring my dopamine mind
So, I stop looking beneath the water level, put on my life jacket and tell myself every is fine. And I paint the blob. And I write these words.
Shocking things, gossipy things, political things. I’m sharing what’s in there, inside me. Can you stop your own Dopamine scroll to really read and see what I’m doing? Will you? Join me onboard. Let’s sit in the breeze with the sun kissing our hair and be amazed at the open blue.
VPH Design Part Four: My Surface Pattern Design Guide.
Session two was great. I got valuable feedback and started sketching more designs of cupcakes, ice cream, and adding embellishments to come up with a collection. I referred to my mood board, but was frustrated with not being able to create easily. My direction was to loosen up and think differently.
Maybe this is a border or stripe?
I was on the verge of tears before our next appointment. I hadn’t made good progress, wasn’t having fun, and was feeling defeated. We decided the best thing to do was to postpone meeting until the next week to give myself a chance to process what was going on. I was feeling very blocked and ready to give up.
Working the initial design with cut outs and color. I didn’t get very far.
Then, I grabbed some paper and started painting with pastel and water. I didn’t think; I let myself select the color that I felt most drawn to in that moment and began. I started with a wall. Tall. Brown. Blocking me. Why are you so tall? What are you keeping me from seeing?
Note progression from 1 to 3. Made over several sessions and days.
The next piece of paper started with a pinky orange background and spikey knarly plant life. Poking me. Cutting me. Cutting me off. What are you guarding?
Note progression from 1 to 3. Made over several sessions and days.
In three separate sessions over that next week, I painted two different scenes. I decided to take photos to track the changes and see how they developed. I kept working them, adding color, scrubbing, and I started to see outdoor landscapes in them. Something occurred to me, when watercolor painting, I have always created ethereal, colorful backgrounds. Always. Sometimes I would add words, sometimes I would paint fantasy flowers and plants. But, I noticed I always, always, start with the sky. And sometimes that sky ends up being under the sea.
With my cut paper art, I make architecture; houses and buildings. Sometimes still existing, sometimes recreating demolished buildings from photographs. Now, with this new adventure in Surface Design, here I was trying to only paint. The wall I had put up between paint and paper mediums wasn’t going to stand anymore. I couldn’t keep them apart. I had to demolish this self imposed wall; I had to tear it down. Why did I think I couldn’t put cut paper on my paintings? I don’t know, but I cried. I cried like a little kid who has been told No over and over, but still really wanted the thing, or to do the thing and could not, or was not allowed to. I cried because I get to do this thing now, this thing of putting paint and cut paper together for my art. And I cried for the lost time. And then something new started to happen. I started to twirl my paper.
I joined Bonnie Christine’s Flourish community back in April, see my post here: and one of the ways she encourages us to flex our design muscles and implement what we are learning is to submit a design for each months’ challenge. May was my first submission. The prompt was to create a design inspired by someone in my life. Of course, I had a lot of ideas, but I had had a few conversations with my mom and we rehashed some situations in my childhood when she showed up like the Tiger Momma she is. Bullying, being sexually harassed in junior high. When I needed an adult to have my back, she was the one who did. Her heart is as big as the ocean for her family. For easier printing, I shrunk it down to heart-size.
Initial sketch on paper with colored pencil, left. Finished design after working on in Photoshop, right.
This design is available as a sticker now! Purchase it in my shop here. I’m offering free shipping!
Sticker design with purple background
It feels good to have an idea and follow through to its completion. It is very challenging to come up with a design every month, but I’m going to keep at it. xo
VPH Design Part One: My Surface Pattern Design Guide.
Hey, #GenX. How’s 50 looking for ya? Hi, everyone else! I’m just getting my stride over here. Are you worrying about retirement, like me? Now, I know our pop, capitalist culture hates aging. As we enter our 50’s how are you feeling about that? I’m calling bullshit on feeling anything but glorious and empowered about it. We have never been smarter or more beautiful. Sure, there are body aches, menopause, gray hairs, and wrinkles, but, I love all of it. I love all my life wisdom. I love those I know who are aging with me. I love that you are not coloring your hair anymore. I love that there is a bit of a tummy appearing.
We are in the Age of #Corona. I’ve been in quarantine since early March. I have good and bad days. How are you doing? I feel like our government currently seems to hate us and I don’t have faith my pension and social security will be available to me. So, I’ve got a plan. A retirement plan. Let me tell you about it. First, some background:
Long, long ago in a city far, far away, I struggled in college with the course of study I “should” follow. I wanted to study art. My professor told me “Washes are your thing.” Black ink and water. Shadow and Light. At the time, I took it and put it in my heart. Then, I listened to well-meaning voices who told me I couldn’t make a living as an artist. Fear took hold. The ramifications of that time are still in my body and I, at 53 years old, am working to finally release them. I started to focus on Biology and I turned my back on visual art. I finished college and one of the first purchases my mother helped me buy was a set of #Pelikanwatercolors, markers, paper, and brushes. This was before my first job and I just needed these supplies to dream and practice with as I coped with transitioning from college to finding my way in the workplace. I was depressed and missing my friends so badly. The art supplies helped me so much during this time.
At the same time, I started a distant learning course for writing children’s literature. It was hard and I didn’t even try to make pictures to go with my writing at the time. Why? I was disassociated. Depressed. Still believing I couldn’t be successfully artistic. Sad. 🙁
With the compliment I got in college still hiding in my heart, I began to play and learned how to Watercolor. It is my first love. It can be tamed to a point, but has that exquisite, expressive quality. I love trying with it. What will happen if I…? I added too much water… Not enough? I haven’t stopped painting in between having gross jobs, moving cross country, making cards, working in theatre, and so many other things.
I found Sara Middas’ South of France book in the late 90’s and it lit me up! What a clever book. She lived in France for almost a year and just collected what she saw, what she ate, where she was and it is brilliant. This is the book that got me interested in surface pattern design. I want to make a book like hers, only, it will be about my neighborhood, what is around me. So, I started paying attention to where I was. Sketching, painting, note taking. That book idea is stuffed way in the back of my brain, dusty, forgotten. But I digress. I drew my first design idea, a mug and a plate with a blue pattern. (* I would insert it here, but I can’t find it…) I didn’t know what to do next. This was before the internet and I failed at finding resources or any kind of help at all. So, I gave up. On that. But, I kept painting. And dreaming.
Then three decades went by, like, how the hell did that happen? A marriage. A first home purchase. A divorce. A house lost. A new family. A second home purchase. Many jobs worked and in between, the surface design dream pops up now and then. And then, one day, I’m 50. 😳
I’m ignoring any voice that tells me no, or stop, or I’m too old. I’m not slowing down, I’m ramping up. I’m awesome. My life has given me experiences and knowledge that are valuable and I will be paid handsomely for being creative and ridiculously brilliant. My retirement plan is to remain artistic and earn with making and selling my art. Come on, my 50-somethings! Let’s manifest our dreams and lift each other up to create a beautiful, enjoyable next three decades. How is your self esteem? You deserve the best. What is your retirement plan?
Next post: I find someone to help me on my path.
Watercolor, inspired by the movie “Marie Antoinette” by Sofia Coppola. 2017
